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No cold comfort: Hot showers warm hearts, too, study finds

By Misty Harris, Postmedia News

Nearly 50 years after The Beatles pondered the origin of all the lonely people, science has an answer: the bathroom.

Yale University researchers have discovered that feelings of social exclusion are strongly linked with taking more frequent baths and showers, lingering longer in them, and preferring higher temperatures. This effect was consistent and highly significant across a variety of experiments with about 400 people ages 18 to 65, with loneliness triggering a need for social warmth that could “be satisfied instead by applications of physical warmth.”

In other words, instead of a hot bath being an escape from the world, it became a way of feeling more connected to it.

“The lonelier we get, the more we substitute the missing social warmth with physical warmth — and fairly successfully,” says John A. Bargh, professor of psychology and cognitive science at Yale.

“It’s a form of what’s called implicit self-regulation: We don’t know why we’re doing it, but it helps.”

Bargh, who co-authored the study with colleague Idit Shalev, says they were shocked at the sheer size of the effect, with loneliness accounting for nearly 25 per cent of the variability in bathing activity.

Simply put, the unconscious need to self-soothe was a major factor in determining how often people bathed, how long they stayed in the bath or shower, and how hot they preferred the water.

But, notably, people don’t appear to be aware that their Calgon moments have anything to do with loneliness. The researchers say it may simply be that we’re hardwired this way; an infant, for example, associates the emotional warmth of a caretaker with the physical warmth of being held close to that person’s chest.

It makes sense, then, that Bargh and Shalev found feelings of isolation could be triggered by holding a cold pack against someone. Heat, by contrast, caused people who were primed to feel socially excluded to lose their yearnings for affiliation.

The findings dovetail with recent work out of the University of Toronto showing that social exclusion can cause people to feel physically colder, and to seek out hot beverages and warm soup.

“This is a potentially very beneficial, mundane way for people to emotionally regulate,” Bargh said. “(Heat) is not difficult to supply and it’s cheaper than therapy.”

It remains to be seen, however, if the effect would be as potent — or work at all — if people were aware of it. The researchers, whose work will appear in a forthcoming issue of the journal Emotion, hope to pursue this in a future study.

“It’s the old you-can’t-tickle-yourself problem,” said Bargh. “If you know what’s coming, it changes it because you’re consciously involved.”

Read more: http://www.canada.com/cold+comfort+showers+warm+hearts+study+finds/4919105/story.html#ixzz1PHGqf3Eo

Marriage tips

We’re no experts, but focusonthefamily.ca brings you some practical ways to help strengthen your marriage and take your relationship to new heights:

Take your spouse to work
If possible, take your spouse to your office so he or she can meet your coworkers and see what you do every day. This can help your spouse understand more about your job duties, especially when you come home and talk about your day.

Make fast food romantic
The next time you and your spouse dine under the golden arches, bring a tablecloth and a candle. This bold move shows off your creativity and adds an element of fun and romance to your otherwise ordinary date.

Create a gratitude journal
Buy a lined notebook or journal and place it someplace central, such as your kitchen table. Every day, take turns writing down a reason (or two, or 10) that you’re thankful for your spouse. 

Verbalize your thanks
Thank your spouse regularly. Expressing your thanks doesn’t just make your spouse feel loved, appreciated and wanted, but it also helps to remind you of their positive qualities. When showing your gratitude, focus on the person and not the action or object. For example, say “You’re an amazing cook” instead of “Thanks for making lunch.”

Give your spouse a break
If you have children, take them on a field trip to give your spouse a moment of solitude. Example trips for an afternoon include ice cream parlours, park playgrounds, museums – many which have free or discount admission days – and zoos. It can work as a great bonding time for you with your kids, while also allowing your spouse to relax, unwind and not have to worry about taking care of anyone.

Acknowledge change
People constantly change, but married couples sometimes begin to take each other for granted and stop seeing these changes. This can make each spouse feel ignored, unnoticed or – even worse – unwanted. Take a moment every day to verbally acknowledge a new thing in your spouse. This can be something as simple as complimenting a new shirt, or deeper issues like discussing a new view of a Bible verse. Regularly doing this can help show your spouse that you’re aware of them and engaged in their personal development.

Write it down
In the heat of a situation, your anger can make it difficult and counterproductive to discuss your disagreements with your spouse. Instead of verbally expressing yourself, try writing down your thoughts. Wait a few hours and revisit your note when you’ve had time to calm down. This can help you separate your emotions from the true problems so you can both work together to smooth over any potential issues.

Do the chores
Surprise your spouse by doing a household chore or task that is typically their duty. For example, make dinner or clean the bathroom. This gesture helps to demonstrate your awareness and thankfulness for your spouse’s contributions to your home and relationship.

Use nonverbal signs
Half of a conversation is nonverbal, reports psychology studies. Use physical signs to show your spouse that you’re listening intently. For example, give their hand a gentle squeeze. Also, face them when they speak and lean forward slightly; these are signs that you’re interested and receptive to what they’re saying.