The Rules of Holiday Dating

Lifestyle.msn.ca asked more than 300 women how a wise man can survive the annual minefield of decisions and expectations. Here’s what they said.

That thing that you did last year? Do it again
Good news for bad planners: People link ritual with commitment, according to a study in Sexual and Relationship Therapy , so it’s smart to repeat last December’s best activity. Tell her that a great trip or gathering should become a tradition. That implies you want years’ worth of them.

 

Show her how lame your office party is
Bosses may judge your stability by your personal life, says Marie McIntyre, Ph.D., author of Secrets to Winning at Office Politics. Use the party for “impression management.” If your girlfriend fits in with your work crew, it reflects well on you.

Think ahead for the big days
Unless you’re together a year or so, she doesn’t expect to join your family’s Christmas, our poll says. New Year’s Eve is less predictable. Ease anxiety by asking a few weeks in advance, says Peter Post, author of Essential Manners for Couples . Don’t smother; suggest a party, not an exclusive date.

If you’re going to home to meet her Mom and Dad, here’s your guide to winning over the in-laws. A Giving Guide
Women in our poll said they feel anxious if you spend more on them than they do on you, but don’t care if it’s the other way around. So set a common spending limit. Most women say that puts the focus on the thought, not the cash.

Just starting
$25 The key: Share an experience. “Pay for both of you to see something she wants to see, like a museum exhibit,” says Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days .

3 months
$50 “A lavish gift may make her uneasy,” author Peter Post says. Give modestly, and write a sweet card. It can mean more than the gift itself.

6 months
$75 Buy something intimate, says Kirschner. One woman told us, “Give me a gift card to Victoria’s Secret and shop with me. I’ll end the day with a fashion show.”

1 year
$100 If all’s well, symbolize permanence with a gift she’ll always have, Kirschner says. Earrings or a bracelet are good.

2 years
$200 Stumped? Ask what she wants. People appreciate gifts they asked for just as much as they do surprises, says Frank Flynn, Ph.D., who studies gift giving.

We ask three beautiful women
What’s the most important thing for a dating man to know during the holidays?

“If you’re serious about a woman, see her at some point on the special days. It’s a must.”
—Krysten Ritter, Breaking Bad

“Surprise her with mistletoe or pumpkin pie. We love holiday cheesiness.”
—Candice Accola, The Vampire Diaries

“We love to see effort. If you’re exchanging gifts, never, ever give her a sweater.”
—Monica Raymund, Lie to M

6 Tips for Flirting at a Party Full of Strangers

Maura Kelly, lifestyle.ca.msn, shares six tips for Flirting at a Party Full of Strangers:

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Yesterday , I was talking about a party I went to, where, just before I left, I decided to give the flirting thing one more try. So I went into the other room … got into a conversation with some married people … and across the way from me, I heard some guy say he was a blogger for a certain web site that shall remain nameless. So I shouted over to him: “Hey! I’m a blogger too! And I think I need to date another blogger so he’ll be cool with it when I write about him. So how about it–want to go out some time?”

“Yes!” he shouted back.

Then I started to blush at my own impulsiveness. The dude probably said YES to be amiable while thinking I was a nut-job. Because, you know, shouting across the room at someone WHOM YOU’VE NEVER SPOKEN TO IN YOUR LIFE, and suggesting that you go on a date with him — well, yes, even I can admit, that’s a LITTLE kooky.

But after a while, myself and the blogger guy maneuvered around so that we were talking to each other. As it turned out, he barely knew anyone at the party, either. And we totally hit off, and hung out forever, sitting off in a corner by ourselves, and talking about everything. It was totally awesome, the kind of conversation where you rush from one topic to the next and can’t believe how you just keep ending up on the same page.

When we were ready to leave, I offered him a ride home. He took me up on the offer … and the SECOND I turned the car on, he recognized the CD that was mid-song on the stereo. ” Sam Cooke !” he said. “Nice!” Duly impressed, I forced him to play a quick round of Name-That-Band, and he was AMAZING: he went three-for-three, getting each new CD I put in — Big Star, Liz Phair and The Cure — in under 5 seconds, flat, for each one. It was like some kind of magic trick.

Anyway, suddenly this stranger is my new favorite person in the whole world! We even went to the unbelievably rockin’ concert that Edward Sharpe + The Magentic Zeros played at The Music Hall of Williamsburg on Sunday night, which was super-fun–and I was pretty amazed that he knew more about my new favorite band than I did.

So … you see what good can come of taking a little risk and forcing yourself to do one more lap at a party?

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MY TIPS ON FLIRTING AT A PARTY WHERE YOU DON’T KNOW ANYONE

1. Talk to strange girls! One of the best things that has come out of this year of living more flirtatiously has been all the new lady friends I’ve made–in particular, my talking head buddy Mona , and, more recently, the woman described here . (Plus, sometimes they have cute male friends.)

2. Talk to the gay boys! Because maybe you’ll get lucky and meet an invaluable comrade. (Plus, sometimes they have cute straight friends.)

3. Talk to people you barely know. If you have any excuse at all to introduce yourself or say hello to someone–maybe because you recognize them from the local news show, or you’ve seen them around town–make the most of it.

4. Be upfront about it! Tell people you are on a flirtation mission and ask if they will help you achieve your goal of meeting someone new.

5. Be persistent. Sometimes it takes a while for a party to warm up — and for you to warm up to a party. Give it a little time. Stick around. Eat some pretzels and drink some free beverages. Switch from one room to the other, and back again.

6. Remember that you’ll probably never see any of these people again. So … I will repeat what seems to be my mantra: What do you have to lose? Put yourself out there! Make the most of it! You may very well discover some wonderful people!

Do you have difficulty reaching orgasm?

Difficulty reaching orgasm

Research estimates 12 per cent of women never reach a climax – and 75 per cent don’t orgasm during intercourse. Is it a physical problem, an emotional block, or both? Psychosexual therapist Paula Hall takes a closer look.

Physical reasons

The most common physical cause is lack of adequate stimulation to the clitoris. The majority of women need direct touch to achieve orgasm, which often doesn’t happen through intercourse alone.

Our bodies aren’t machines – you can’t get an orgasm just by pressing the right button

The second most common factor is tiredness or general illness. Our bodies aren’t machines – you can’t get an orgasm just by pressing the right button. If you’re feeling rundown, your body’s priority is sleep and recuperation, not sexual gratification.

Medical reasons

There are some illnesses that make orgasm difficult. Broadly speaking, they’re vascular, neurological or hormone-deficiency disorders.

The problem could be a side effect of a particular medication. Very occasionally, pelvic surgery can cause nerve damage and loss of sensation. If you think any of these conditions may apply to you, talk to your GP.

If, however, you’re in good physical health and you’re getting enough sleep, it’s more likely there’s some kind of psychological block.

Self-help techniques

If you’re not getting the right kind of stimulation, you may need to show your partner what you really enjoy.

First, get to know yourself by starting with some basic self-pleasuring, taking particular note of the type of stroke that pushes you over the edge.

Then, next time you’re making love, put your hand on top of your partner’s and gently guide them as they stimulate you. If that feels a bit pushy, ask them to show you what they enjoy first, then wait for your turn!

For more help, see the section on practical exercises.

Psychological reasons

Well-meaning friends may tell you to just “try to relax”, but if it was that easy you’d have done it by now. The trouble is, these kinds of psychological blocks aren’t rational – you can’t simply “pull yourself together”.

Below is a list of some of the most common types of problems women have talked about. See if any apply to you:

Being a perfectionist. Sex has to be just right. The environment has to be just so and you have to be in the right mood.

Fear of losing control. This is a character trait in many areas of your life, not just sexually.

Poor self-esteem or body image. Worrying about whether your bum looks big rather than enjoying your physical sensations is a major passion wrecke.

Shame or guilt about sexuality. This might be due to negative childhood messages or a sexual trauma.

Distractions. Are the children asleep? Will the phone ring? Can the neighbours hear? Did I put the cat out? Did I email that report? Whatever the distraction, it means your mind is not on the job.

Being a spectator. You know the saying “a watched pot never boils”? Well it’s also true of orgasms. If you’re waiting for the moment, you’re not enjoying the moment.

Relationship problems. You can’t expect to have enjoyable sex with an enemy. If there’s tension in your relationship, sort it out before you enter the bedroom.

Orgasm triggers

There are several ways in which you can help yourself achieve a more fulfilling sexual experience:

Breathe deeply or pant to get oxygen to those tensing muscles.

Arch your back or try a different position to maximise clitoral stimulation.

Rhythmically squeeze your pelvic floor muscles.

Escape into your favourite fantasy to block out any negative thoughts or distractions.

Further help

If some of these points have rung a bell for you, you may find that simply talking it through with your partner will help. You could also try some of the practical exercises on our site. These have tips and techniques that you can print out and try.

It may also be helpful to get advice from a sex therapist or couple counsellor via Relate or the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy. See related links.

In the meantime, there are many self-help books available.

Sex Etiquette 101

ERomance.com shares advice on the importance of sex etiquette:

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” Grooming, assertiveness, and politeness before during and after “

Go ahead only when mutually willing

RESPECT your partner’s mood or wish. Do not ever coerce your partner into sex. Even if you happen to be married, each of you has a right to say “not now, dear.” Do not violate a person by being insensitive and intrusive. Sex can be enjoyable and fulfilling only when it is a result of mutual longing.

Get some privacy

When you are engaged sexually with a partner, be sure not to offend others, knowingly or unknowingly, in any way. Avoid public display of your affection for each other. Do not be a public embarrassment. You are a responsible citizen; behave like one!

Discuss contraception before you get into bed

Do not ever procrastinate discussing this serious issue. Remember, even one moment of unprotected fun can come with serious consequences like pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. Be responsible. Surf through a sex-health website together to know more options. Try to make sex safer and more enjoyable for both of you.

If you don’t feel like, say so

Even when you have been in an intimate physical relationship for long, it is not wrong to admit you don’t feel like having sex. Do you worry about your partner being hurt for being turned down? Reassure him that it is “just for now” that you don’t feel like it and that it’s not about him or her. You can promise your lover a fabulous time later in the week when you will be bubbling with energy!

Grooming for good sex

A shower, clean teeth, and a dash of a deodorant is the least you can be armed with for a fabulous date ahead. Even if you hate Brazilian wax, make sure you don’t have a tropical rain forest sprouting. This rule is for both men and women alike. And yes, do not drown yourself in cologne. You have your own natural smells that are a great turn-on for your partner during sex. Let them be. If you look clean and well-groomed, you will feel more sexy and confident too!

What to avoid before sex

Stay away from garlic, onion, asparagus, and their kin if you anticipate a sexual encounter in a few hours! You do not want to get into bed smelling like a food factory. Downing a big glass of fruit juice will allow your body fluids to smell and taste delicious!

Do not discuss your ‘ex’ during sex

Even if your partner playfully asks you how your “ex” was in bed, say you can discuss it later! It is the wrong time to say that he or she was fabulous in bed. Do not make it sound like you are “grading” him or her on a sex scale.

Faking an orgasm

Faking the big-O is a short-sighted option to make your guy feel happy. If you feel it is not going to happen tonight, tell him so. It is a safer option than faking an orgasm. That way you can help him devise new ways of sexual gratification. Be careful not to hurt his feelings, though. Reveal how much you enjoy having sex with him. Tell him the excitement of the journey matters more to you than the destination.

What to say after sex

Being overwhelmed by the encounter does not mean you turn over and start snoring. Say something to make your partner feel happy and desired; don’t go on and on and spoil the mood though. Silence does speak a lot after such passionate moments. A few words and a satisfied moan are good enough.

Communicate

Do not shy away from talking openly about your desires. Let each other know what turns you on or how you would like it to be. Let each sexual encounter be a learning experience for both of you. You can be a little more specific and say what in particular you enjoy more, so that your partner knows what you expect next time! Ask him how he felt about it or what delighted her the most.

Never discuss your sexual encounters in open

It is insensitive to brag about your sexual escapades, even among common friends. It may hurt the feelings of your partner or others close to him or her. Nobody wants to be another notch on your bed post. Let that moment be a secret just between the two of you.

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Share your comments, views and tips!

10 Adrenaline-Rush Dates

Need some fun in your love life? Thenest.com shares couple activities that are guaranteed to keep the fun in your relationship (with a minimum of corniness).

1. Playing Guitar Hero If you have another couple over, you can graduate to Rock Band and get your ya-yas out like The Stones.

2. Training for a Marathon There are few greater rushes than completing those 26-plus miles (okay, or 2.6 miles). Why not train together so you can celebrate times two?

3. Rock Climbing K2 is likely outside your reach, so give your gym’s indoor climbing wall a try. As you gain confidence, you can graduate to scaling the great outdoors.

4. Bowling Is there any better way to unwind? Between the $5 pitchers and the rental shoes, it’s perfect for taking a break from your daily life and enjoying some low-key fun.

5. Tandem Skydiving This isn’t something to enter into lightly, but with a good instructor and proper equipment, it’s entirely safe. And hey, what other activity is there that so nearly replicates the rush of falling in love?

6. Playing Paintball Rent the equipment you need and square off against your spouse (or, if you’re feeling merciful, pair up with your sweetie against another team).

7. Camping It’s your chance to truly get away from it all — give the BlackBerry a well-deserved day off — and just savor nature and each other.

8. Rafting Determine whether you want a leisurely drift or a white-knuckle thrill ride; then bon voyage.

9. Test-Driving a Sports Car You may not be able to buy a Ferrari just yet — the mortgage and student loans get in the way — but you can still take a dream ride.

10. Visiting an Amusement Park Remember how much fun it was to go to Six Flags as a kid? Ride roller coasters until you have vertigo; then fall into bed at home.