Ever wonder how your number of sexual partners measures up to the norm? Curious about why partners sometimes react so badly when you divulge details of your sexual history? Judy Dutton, author of How We Do It: How the Science of Sex Can Make You a Better Lover, answers those and other questions below.
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Q: How many sexual partners is too many?
A: According to one study that asked men and women the ideal number of partners they’d like to have in their lifetime, men said they’d like to have 18 partners on average, women four or five. So by that logic, men who’ve had more than eighteen partners and women who’ve had more than five may be overshooting what the average American would deem ideal.
Q: How many sex partners does the average woman have?
A: According to one study by the National Center for Health Statistics, women will typically have four partners by their mid forties. Men will typically have six to eight partners during that same time period. The problem, though, is that both men and women lie – not only to each other, but to pollsters as well. So whether these numbers are accurate is hard to say.
Q: Should a woman be honest about how many men she’s slept with?
People often assume that promiscuous people have emotional problems or low self-esteem.
A: That would be noble, but studies suggest that even today, women downplay the number of partners in their past. In one study, women reported having 2.6 partners on average. And yet, when these women were hooked up to a lie detector that would ferret out if they were fibbing, they admitted to having 4.4 partners. Meanwhile, men exaggerate the number of notches in their belt. The take-home message is, if you ask someone how many people they’ve slept with, shave a few off men’s tallies and tack on a couple extra to women’s totals.
Q: Is there an ideal number of sex partners to have?
A: Believe it or not, mathematicians have calculated that the ideal number of people to sleep with is twelve. It’s been dubbed the “twelve-bonk rule.” If that sounds high, keep in mind you don’t have to actually “bonk” 12 people; just dating 12 is fine, too. The reasoning behind this is, if you’ve slept with less than 12 people, you haven’t sampled enough of the goods to know what’s best for you. If you’ve slept with more than 12, chances are you’ve passed over a perfectly great partner and are just being too picky. If you’re in the latter group, consider flipping through your little black book and giving an Ex a second chance.
Q: Why do we often freak out when a partner tells us how many people he or she has slept with – regardless of the number? Why are we so judgmental about this?
A: Aside from the STD issue, people often assume that promiscuous people have emotional problems or low self-esteem. And yet, while studies from the 1960s do show that promiscuous people have low self-esteem, studies from the 1970s onward show that promiscuous people have higher self-esteem than their sexually conservative peers. In 1991, one study found that women with low self-esteem had 5.5 partners, women with high self-esteem 8.8 partners. Meanwhile, men with low self-esteem had 8.8 partners, those with high esteem 16 partners.
Q: Are you better off lying or just keeping this info to yourself?
A: The problem is, if you say “the number of people I’ve slept with is none of your business,” your partner is going to assume the worst! So, that leaves you with two reasonable options: fib, or tell the truth. One third of men and one tenth of women admit that they’ve lied in order to convince someone to have sex with them. Forty per cent of these fibbers understated the number of partners in their past, while twenty per cent lied about whether they’ve taken an HIV test. I guess my point is, don’t believe what anyone says! And if you do tell the truth and someone reacts badly, they’re not worth dating anyway. Good riddance!
To read the original article, visit www.thatsfit.ca
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I’ve had sex with hundreds of people. Since I’m nonmonogamous, I get tested every 3 months. So far, I’ve never had a disease. I greatly enjoy taking ownership of my sexuality.